Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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