Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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