12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
