Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
