There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
