Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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