roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
