well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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