this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
