Just fell off a train. Bad.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
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I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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