my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
