Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
