When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
