I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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