I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
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of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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