i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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