my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
