We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
