A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
