I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
