Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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