dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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