Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
