Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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