Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
