did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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