I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
