Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
