I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The Olympian is in my bed
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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