Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
