I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My dick has a subreddit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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