masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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