literally had 100 drinks last night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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