Someone shit on the floor
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
