It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
