I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
