You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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