Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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