At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
