he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
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I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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