You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
