Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
