I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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