Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
