Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
A+ Viking dick
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
