It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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