Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
