Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
