The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
