Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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