apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
