Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
