he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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