why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
