I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
