wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
